Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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