you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
