Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
