U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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