This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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