I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
