im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
