Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
