I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
