She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
