Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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