Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
