I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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