i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
