Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
