if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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