that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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