see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."