you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.