I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.