3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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