Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
