she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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