I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I wear drunk well.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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