you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
