Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
