Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
