but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
