The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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