does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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