Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
do nipples grow back?
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