I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
