the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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