I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
