We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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