can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
