I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
