fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
