My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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