I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
