Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
