I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
