there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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