walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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