Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
