What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
