Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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