I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
