Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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