remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
