i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
