This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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