Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
