Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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