Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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