the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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