I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
