I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
