you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
